I've been mulling over one of the more "personal expression" aspects of changing your gender identity - self-referencial gendered statements.
"Hey, look, I'm the kind of girl who [x]."
"I am the queen of [x]."
"Well, this lady likes [x]."
It's something a lot of us do. Mostly in a simple way - a quick glance at my Facebook feed shows "I'm not really a comic book guy, but-" and "I am fangirling so hard right now".
I certainly used to use similar turns of phrase when talking about myself before. And I still do now. But it's actually one of the things that I've found for some reason a little strange to slip into, despite naturally using feminine gender pronouns without pause or hesitation from the day I came out.
Somehow, slipping in irreverent stuff like "fuck yeah, I'm a Goddess" instead of "God" if I just did something awesome (or terrible) feels a tiny bit... over-indulgeant.
It's not that I have a problem or feel awkward using new gendered terms, so much as that using gender-specific terms for myself seems to be drawing attention to my gender - something which seems like it's more omni-present now anyway. It's hard for trans issues or random goings-on not to be brought up in conversation these days - either people ask specifically, or indirectly get that sort of answer when asking what's up.
So what I'm going through/doing is always there.
Thing is, that's a rather bizarre reason to pause before doing the same jokingly-gendered stuff I'd have done without hesitation in years past. Especially given it feels good. I still get a kick every time someone says warm, gendered things to me. Things that for once feel right instead of uncomfortable. (I had no idea until it began to change just how weird and wrong it has always felt having masculine pronouns applied to me.)
I should be doing it more. I should be doing what makes me comfortable and happy, including specific kinds of jokes / comments.
And yet, on some level, I think it relates to feeling like I am constantly discussing or thinking about or being probed about transitioning / gender.
Don't get me wrong - I love discussing this stuff. I am excited to unpack all the things laid out in front of me, making sense of myself and more about society around me through the differently-shaped lens I now get to look through.
But there is always that slight fear of, "surely people are tired of me rambling about gender and amateur sociology by now..."
So I still make some attempt not to rant too hard without prompting.
Really, though? I should use gendered sentiments or statements about myself more. After thirty years of it feeling shit? It makes this girl feel good.